It’s not easy to find one’s way in the vast hairy and studded jungle that is metal. Metalheads themselves get lost in genres, sub-genres, sub-sub-genres and always end up saying “No, but we don’t care about labels, what matters is the groove. So when your kid asks you to explain “the music you listen to loudly when mum isn’t there”, you have no choice, you have to go for it.
1. Black metal: for drill enthusiasts
Black metal is music for people who live in the north of the planet, like the Vikings and the people of Lille. There it is very cold and they are very bored. So after a walk in the forest, they find themselves in cellars to play very high-pitched music, like dad’s drill. The singer imitates the cry of the crow to say how much he is in love with the snow, the forest and Satan and the drummer types as fast as possible while making a face.
Most : To do black metal, you have to have tight leather pants and like goats.
2. Death metal: big necks to move your head well
Death metal is music made by big guys whose job is usually to chop down trees. People who play it have really big necks because they move their heads so fast. And then they need muscles to support their very long hair. The singer sings like a pig and the drummer claps as fast as possible, grimacing. They drink a lot of beer and they sing little nursery rhymes about death and putrefaction, you know like the headless pigeon you found in the gutter.
Most : The more strings the guitars have, the better known the band.
3. Doom: slow, intense and apocalypse
Doom is like when grandma walks to church on Sundays with her friends: it’s very slow and it talks a lot about death. You can’t say that the doomeux are very happy people and they are very, very tired all the time. That’s why when they do concerts they only play two songs (and it already lasts 5 hours). The singer can imitate the pig like death metal or sing like when dad imitates opera in the shower. The drummer taps as slowly as possible, grimacing.
most : The fewer riffs in a song, the more awesome the song.
4. Stoner: doom with joy in it
Like doom metal but faster and much less sad. Most of the time they smoke weird cigarettes which makes them even happier. Yes, there you go, like your big brother when he was punished. As they are a little “tired”, they don’t really like complicated guitar tunes, that’s why they often put the bass forward, because there are fewer strings and it’s easier to player. In his lyrics, the singer talks about the little capsules he takes to sleep better and the funny cigarettes he smokes with his friends. Drummer ? He hits as hard as possible, grimacing.
Most : It seems that if you don’t have a denim jacket and a plaid shirt, you’re not allowed to play stoner.
5. Sludge: lumberjack passion
Sludge is like doom but played by lumberjacks from death metal, do you follow me? No ? Well, Daddy explains to you: do you know when you go to play in the garden when it’s raining and you’re rolling in the mud? There you go, that’s what sludge is, except they drink a lot of whisky, like grandpa.
Most : They like guns and George Bush, the former president of the United States.
6. Drone: Monk Passion
In English it means bumblebee. Before they did doom but they still found it too fast. So they fired the drummer (who suddenly makes a face) and they have fun playing the lowest note and the longest possible, all as loud as possible. On stage they put a lot of smoke and he disguised himself as a monk but nobody really knows why.
Most : Some drone albums are ranked on the Richter scale.
7. Neo-metal: pop-Korn
Neo-metal is music for young people with pimples on their faces. The neo’s goal is to make people jump in place, which isn’t easy since they’re all wearing baggy pants that fall off when they walk. The other metalheads don’t care much about neo-metal even if they all listened to it when they were young.
Most : The neo metal bands that continue to make music today make your dad very sad.
8. Thrash metal: watch your eardrums
Thrash is a style played only by Americans and Germans. They are at war to see who will play the fastest and most violently. Often Germans put on military pants and black tank tops so they can show off their big muscles. The drummer goes “touka touka” as quickly as possible, grimacing and the guitarist makes very high-pitched trilili and then also woiiiin woiiiin. Yes, thrash does hurt your ears a bit.
Most : the thrasher often collects military helmets and loves to talk about the Second World War.
9. Progressive metal: requires a bit of psychological preparation
You already know that, it’s what Dad puts in the car to punish you when you and your brother are not good. The only thing longer than their pieces is their hair. When he plays, the guitarist looks at his left hand (and he often uses the little finger). The drummer is unable to play 30 seconds without changing rhythm and suddenly he often grimaces. In fact, listening to a piece of prog is like listening to someone looking for a station on the radio.
Most : We can say that progressive metal is the music of those who were beaten at recess. Yes, here it is, the music of people who love mathematics.
10. Hardcore: metal without being metal
It’s not really metal but dad listens to it a lot too. It’s a strange music where the drummer makes “touka tougouda touka tougouda” while grimacing. Generally the whole group sings in chorus to say how much they are friends and that the family is very important. At school, they were the ones who hit those who do prog. Sometimes they dance weirdly, pounding the ground with their fists.
Most : Some no longer eat meat and do not drink beer. Exactly like mom. #SxE