The habit does not always make the monk, even in the animal kingdom. And because the tyranny of cuteness has lasted long enough, let’s set the record straight by revealing the hidden face of your favorite critters.
1. The sea otter
“The otter and the heron are my friends” sang Pocahantas, all perky, in her canoe. But behind their small snouts and adorable paws, male otters are actually monsters of perversion who don’t hesitate to rape baby seals to death, not to mention the female otters they mistreat. by biting them violently in the face during the act (at the origin of 11% of the otters found dead between 2000 and 2003 anyway). The otter is a bit like the Guy Georges of the ocean.
2. The seal
Seals have little to envy to otters in terms of deviant sexual behavior. They are very cute with their fluffy fur and their jovial faces, but it’s the better to put us to sleep and make us forget that they’re raping penguins between two slides on the ice floe. Yes, you read that right, they crush their poor victims with all their weight and go after them for long minutes, interspersed with naps. Great guys, don’t change a thing…
3. The koala
Yes, let’s get the truth straight. Koalas are garbage. They may have a very soft coat and an irresistible face, but under their false air of plush, they are real moths capable of distributing mandals with a vengeance. And when they are not aggressive, they piss on you and give you chlamydia at the same time. Charming.
4. The Squirrel
At the slightest outing in the forest, it’s always the same thing. You see a squirrel climbing up a tree and you stop, moved. But stop misinformation. Squirrels are nothing more than big rats that are pretty good at gymnastics. They steal things from houses, rummage through garbage cans, bite and transmit a whole host of diseases. And then they are misogynistic with that: the males are quite lazy who bask in the pill while their companions do all the household chores. Well done parity!
You thought they were innocent and vulnerable? Dodling headlong, at the mercy of seals, dancing on the ice? Lost. Male penguins are big obsessives that really jump on anything that moves: unwilling females, corpses, chicks, and they even try their luck with the ground. Yes, yes, they penetrate the ground.
6. The giant panda
It’s time to say out loud what everyone is thinking: the panda really doesn’t care about the world. So okay, he is core when he sneezes but we are still talking about an animal that spends as much energy by feeding as it gains by eating. Then, it vegetates in the middle of leftover food because it is too exhausted to mate and we wait like idiots for it to deign to reproduce to save the species. Basically, the panda is your best friend who just got dumped.
They are endearing with their beaver look and flattened snout, but don’t be fooled by appearances, platypus are one hell of a beast with small poisonous stings capable of killing a dog or paralyzing a human limb for a few days. And then the females do not have nipples so they sweat breast milk, with ease.
8. The sloth
For a few years now, sloths have been the stars of the Internet. And how can you blame them? Their wide blissful smile, their penchant for sweet life, they are the cute-ugly animals par excellence. But let’s be reasonable for a second, these critters, not content with being a real nest of fungi and bacteria, walk around with claws that would make Freddy Krueger green with envy. And then they clearly lack good manners: they can lose up to half their weight by defecating and do not even bother to pick up behind. Do you still want to give them a hug?
9. The raccoon
Don’t be fooled by her cute little face. The raccoon, once an adult, can very quickly become aggressive and we advise you not to measure yourself against its small sharp claws. Especially since the animal is also a carrier of diseases transmissible to humans, such as scabies or rabies. And then it flies into vegetable gardens. So getting scabies is okay, but having your turnips stolen is a big no.
10. The cat
Cats are big opportunists whose only goal is to keep their stranglehold on the human species. Add to that that they openly take us for idiots and that they find malicious pleasure in torturing everything that falls between their pads, there is reason to wonder if every cat owner does not suffer from Stockholm syndrome. .