We keep saying it and repeating it: having kids changes your whole life. I’m not talking about sequins, unicorns, joys and delights, no no. I’m talking to you about aborted evenings, poop under your fingernails, vomit in your hair… But you, adventurer / adventurer at heart, you want to add challenges to yourself, and go on a trip with your kid. You are oblivious, know that.
1. You won’t be able to see light anymore
Before, you could travel with a simple backpack that went as a cabin trip. Now, between the layers to be expected, the excess clothes, the sleeping bag, the stroller, the cuddly toys, and so on, you will be obliged to check in your suitcases at the “oversized baggage” counter at the airport. .
2. You can no longer leave on a whim
Do you remember the blessed time when you didn’t have a child yet? The one where you could catch a flight at the last minute and get out of New York at the last minute? Well, that’s all over. With a child, everything will require so much organization and preparation that you can no longer leave on a whim, everything will have to be planned months in advance. Hello spontaneity.
3. You won’t be able to sleep anywhere
You forget the youth hostels that cost nothing to sleep in using your travel bag as a pillow. No now, you need to find a clean place with a real bed for your offspring, who needs a minimum of comfort.
4. You will be the one who is glared at if your child starts crying in transport
You know that horrible moment when you’re quiet, in your car or on a plane, and a child starts screaming for 3:30? Do you remember the face of the mother or the father who accompanies it? Well it’s your turn now. Go and silence a baby who doesn’t want to stop screaming at all, under the gaze of all the other passengers who have quickly forgotten that they, too, had been babies before being idiots.
5. You won’t be able to visit what you want
It’s over, museums of the manufacture of the wheel in the 15th century, no one is interested, except you (and it’s weird). And since your child doesn’t feel like taking an interest in it at all, or even walking, you give up your visit, to avoid hearing his screams.
6. You won’t be able to spend your day sunbathing by the pool
A kid requires constant attention. Wanted to spend your day perfecting your tan, without even lifting a toe? You failed, your kid wants to go pick up all the shells he can find at the water’s edge, and only if you hold his hand. Yippee.
7. If he’s too young, he won’t even remember the trip.
To say that you’re going all out, so your heir won’t even remember what he sees. It’s expensive to pay, don’t you think? You’re going to spend hours on the plane or on the train, to be in a place you can’t even visit, your kid screwed to you, when he won’t remember anything.
8. If he is a teenager, he will be pissed off
Spending a fortnight in Portugal with a 15-year-old kid who spends his time rolling his eyes, sighing, moaning and sulking, it’s really a good travel atmosphere, don’t you think? Add to that a non-existent wifi connection, and he threatens to kill himself by jumping off a cliff. What a dream atmosphere.
9. You will piss off all your friends
Adults without children are unanimous: holidays with kids are boring. The whole schedule for the day revolves around them, and above all there is a schedule. On holiday. No way. If you carry around with your offspring during a vacation with friends, you are sure not to have any more before the end of the stay (buddies, eh, not kids).
10. You won’t be able to put on big faces
Who says travel, says vacation, who says vacation, says relaxation, who says relaxation, says heavy drinking. Except when you have to deal with a kid who doesn’t want to sleep, or doesn’t sleep through the night, and you have to spend the evening with him in his room watching cartoons. The mojitos will wait.