Having children is cool, for those who want it it really brings something to your life, and it’s rare that you regret them (except when they puke on you for no reason). But the problem when you’re having a kid is when you’re the first of your group of friends to get started, because you see the huge gap that separates you little by little, until that they start to procreate too (if they do so…).
1. You can’t scratch baby stuff.
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While when you’re not the preum’s to make a kid, we give you lots of free stuff like a stroller, clothes, an umbrella bed… Basically you save a lot of money, whereas when you’re the first to get started, you have to crash everything.
2. You are quickly put aside for parties.
At first you are still invited even if you have just become a parent, then after a while, by dint of refusing because you don’t have a babysitter or because you haven’t slept since. 3 days, we stop inviting you, and we have parties without you. Total injustice.
3. You become very intolerant when they tell you that they are “tired”
And you really want to slap them when they dare to tell you that they’re exhausted because they went out until 4am to go to work afterwards. But shut the fuck up, at worst you can go to bed early that night and have a good night’s rest without interruption, don’t cry. You, you don’t know what a night’s sleep is for 6 months and you regularly fall asleep while going to pee, so shhh, please, you know nothing about fatigue, the real one.
4. You feel a little lonely
Because no one right now understands what’s going on in your life except the one you made your baby with. All your childless friends are putting you aside little by little because they can see that you haven’t been the same since birth, you’ve become a “parent”, it’s another world for them.
5. You are asked too many intimate questions.
We ask you to tell the story of childbirth as if you were describing a gory movie, we ask you without embarrassment if you have ever tasted breast milk, and asks you if it’s true that we poo on ourselves when we give birth. Well go ahead, make a kid yourself if you’re so curious.
6. Their apartments are not equipped for kids
When you show up at their house for an aperitif with your baby who is crawling, you immediately spot all the dangerous things that your friends don’t even notice, and you spend your time kicking the sausage knife off the coffee table, to put the glasses up high, and to hide the exposed sockets with everything that comes to hand.
7. You feel relatively very ugly next to them
Because you haven’t slept in a very long time, you don’t have the faith to put on anything but an old tracksuit, the make-up is a very distant memory and you have dried vomit in your hair that you haven’t had time to wash for 6 days. Strangely, your friends look like they’ve come straight out of a Guerlain ad when in fact, they just took a shower and have over 8 hours of sleep under their belt.
8. You’re out of sync with them
Because you don’t have the same sense of priorities now, nor the same topics of conversation, and the first months of your baby’s life, it’s only him who occupies your thoughts. You feel that your lives are moving away and it makes you a little sad, but hey, it should eventually pass, it’s just an adaptation phase.
9. On vacation with them and your children, you spend your mornings alone.
Because they can sleep in without complexes while you’re on deck at 7 a.m. like every other day, holidays or not holidays, weekends or not weekends, holidays or not holidays, your kid is a dictator who gives you no respite.
10. You don’t have the same time
Your friends have time to go to the hairdresser, get dressed, eat hot or drink a coffee, these bastards. You barely have time to pee and swallow a breath mint by way of brushing your teeth when you already have to dress your kid, feed him, drop him off at daycare, go to work, pick him up at the nursery at the end of the day, wash him, feed him again, put him to bed, wipe his vomit because he has a stomach surprise, go to bed, wake you up every hour because of your kid’s vomiting then yours, in short , a beautiful shitty day, as usual.