Top 10 advice we’ll give you when your baby is born, you’re not going to cut it

Once the announcement of your pregnancy has passed, where (generally) those around you are quite happy, comes the time for advice from those who have been there before you (or not), and who think they know everything. Get ready to hear everything and its opposite on the principles of education, and on the great upheaval in your life that you are about to experience. And above all, don’t forget this sentence: “before, I had principles, now I have children”.

1. “You know nothing Jon Snow”

When you lay your heir, you have some ideas on how you would like to raise him. You talk about positive education, you steer clear when we talk about spanking, in short you are full of good principles. But whatever you say (or do), your old aunt will tell you that “in her day, we didn’t do it like that, and it was very good”. Thank you Tata, but I will try not to traumatize my kid.

Top 10 advice well give you when your baby is

2. “Let Him Cry”

“But let’s see, let him cry, it can’t hurt him, and then he’ll learn frustration.” But what a great idea Tata! Let our newborn believe that if he cries, no one will come to comfort him. It’s true that it will help him to have confidence in himself, he will be stronger to face life this little one. Spoiler: no.

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3. “He’s capricious, be more firm”

Uh no. He’s just been born, he doesn’t make tavu whims. To make a whim, you have to have the notion of manipulation, and how to tell you… Even if you are told that your offspring is awake, it’s not Einstein either, huh. We will wait a few years before talking about whims, thank you.

4. “He’s got a bad temper!”

Again: no. A newborn baby does not have a “bad temper”, he expresses a billion things in the only way possible for him: he cries. He cries because he’s hungry, has a stomach ache, because he’s tired, because he doesn’t know where he is… world today”. He’s a baby, not Donald Trump.

5. “Don’t let the cat near her”

You never know, he might jump in his mouth, or worse, sleep with him and suffocate him. Advice generally coming from those who have never had pets, and who think that cats are evil (good at the same time, it seems that they want to kill us all and then take over the world). But that stuffy cat thing is just an urban legend, and your feline isn’t a boa constrictor, that’s fine.

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6. “If you don’t breastfeed, your baby will always be sick”

No, but mind your ass, thank you very much. Breastfeeding is a choice, and blaming mothers for unwilling/unable to breastfeed is completely stupid. So yes, breastfeeding is very good, but infant milks are also perfect. A bottle-fed baby will not be sick more often, or less tall, or less intelligent, and he can also become master of the Universe if he wishes (you have to have a little ambition anyway).

7. “In my day, we made them sleep on their stomachs”

“And that was no problem. Now they (doctors) change their minds all the time.” Good Tata, it has been said since the 90s that putting your baby to sleep on his back reduces the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. And not just a little huh, like 75%. Maybe we’ll have to accept that it’s not just a doctor’s fad.

8. “A drop of whiskey in the bottle will help him sleep”

Yes, then why not a little firecracker too, while we’re at it?

Top 10 advice well give you when your baby is
Picture credits: Topito

9. “You need to cut the cord a bit there!”

You just gave birth recently, and your old aunt (definitely, still her), doesn’t understand that you have trouble separating from your baby. Yes, well, you’ve just laid him, you spent 9 months together before everyone else, and maybe you don’t want to entrust him to the arms of all those who offer themselves. Shit, can we stop the pressure there?

10. “Think about your perineum!”

Uh, we remain polite, thank you. Always the old aunt who tells you “Remember to rehabilitate your perineum, otherwise you will end up with diapers for urinary leakage, like me”. So let’s agree: it’s true, we have to do it. But imagining your old aunt with diapers is too much, sorry.

Non-exhaustive list, of course. Advice, good or not, you’ll get some, and you’ll have to sort through all that. Good luck !

Ah, and you can remind all those people to give you a birthday present instead of pissing you off.

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