At this point it’s hard to refute the fact that conventionally attractive people have a leg up. There are multiple studies and hundreds of colloquial accounts of how they’re treated differently by society almost across the board.
If you want to hear more about what it’s like to go through life as a woman who isn’t conventionally attractive, these 16 are spilling some more tea.
16. A lot of assumptions are made.
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I’m not ugly, but I’ve been overweight.
Most men assumed that I was going to be an easy f**k and that I was a promiscuous woman because “fat women have no self-esteem and seek validation with s^x”
15. Even to your friends?
Being invisible next to your friends. They’re all having fun and you just sit there and no one is talking to you.
14. What is the matter with dudes?
I’m your usual run of the mill ugly, but experienced the same. Some guys I’d met an university only dated me, because they originally wanted to date my hot best friend.
These guys even told me so….one even asked, if I was thankful, lol.
13. There are plenty of other reasons to love yourself.
People thinking that you don’t have the right to like yourself or thinking that your confidence is “brave.”
12. This hurts my heart.
Having people yell at you from across the street to tell you how ugly you are. That one hurt a lot, ahaha.
Spending ages trying to dress up nicely only to go outside and realise that everyone else is still a million times more attractive than you. I’m not even as ugly as I used to be, it just seems that everyone else has grown more attractive too.
Also, people acting as if I’m not allowed to have standards or self-esteem because I’m ugly.
11. Backhanded compliments abound.
Mindy Kaling has said a lot of things about the backhanded compliments she gets as someone who isn’t what Hollywood typically finds attractive, that really resonate with me. I can’t find the specific one I’m looking for but I did like this one:
“I live in this world where — because I’m not skinny but I’m an actor, which virtually never happens in the world of actresses…I’m the recipient of a lot of backhanded compliments about it, where people are like ‘It’s so nice that Mindy Kaling doesn’t feel she needs to subscribe to the ideals of beauty that other people do.’ And I’m like, ‘I do subscribe!’ They’re like ‘It’s so refreshing that Mindy feels so comfortable to like let herself go and be a fat sea monster.’”
10. They don’t need to be fixed.
People constantly trying to fix me. My aunty asked me how I was going to get a man with a body like mine and my dressing style.
Mind you she is pushing 50 with no man but ok.
9. It’s been proven.
Less job opportunities. Attractiveness plays a part in getting hired.
My first boss at my current agency absolutely did not want to hire me, but wanted to hire the attractive woman who interviewed the same day I did. HR told him to get over it and that I was infinitely more qualified.
He resented me so much for that.
8. Self-confidence can be an issue.
That no matter how often your significant other tells you that you’re beautiful, you constantly compare yourself to more attractive women and feel that you’ll never be enough.
7. You have to “look the part.”
I got denied a promotion because “I didn’t look the part of a general manager”
I turned around to the person who said it and lost my shit. Walked out. Within two hours my bosses were on my phone begging me back. They quickly had a meeting with me, them, and HR on the phone where I again lost my shit.
I didn’t get the promotion, never did. But I got a $10k raise and I stayed for another year before transferring to another part of the country.
6. Thanks I hate it.
Being called sir in shops.
Not being able to contribute to the conversation when other women share stories of men hitting on them because it never happens.
5. A few grievances.
As a fat and not very attractive woman:
-unsolicited weight loss/health advice (that is often wrong and does not consider my health at all)
-unsolicited advice on how to be attractive to men
-“friends” constantly joking about how I don’t get guys (even though I was in a relationship before all of them, lol. we’re not friends anymore for obvious reasons)
-if a skinny, pretty girl dresses like a “bum” it’s cute and trendy, but if I do it I’m lazy and don’t care about my looks
-is it a cute fit or is the person wearing it just thin?
4. Sad but true.
It’s a lot harder in the office. Women have a hard enough time rising to higher ranks or being taken seriously but it’s very annoying when the pretty women are taken more seriously.
Heck same is true for men. Good looks win jobs.
3. Intense anxiety.
The intense anxiety that arises during family events when it’s photo time. My cousins are all very beautiful and love posting to Instagram and all that. My family is big on photos. I’m the only one who isn’t photogenic at all. I have a lazy eye and my face is just generally asymmetrical.
Also losing contact with a lot of old friends because I don’t have Instagram, Facebook, or anything. If I was more attractive, I’d feel more comfortable posting photos of myself online and be able to have an Instagram.
Also, it’s really fucking annoying when people try to tell me I’m not ugly. For the most part, I’ve accepted it and have realized I have value when it comes to other parts of me, like my personality. But people want to force me into thinking I’m attractive and I’m just not lol. And I can always tell they’re saying it to be nice and not because they actually think it.
2. Just the right amount.
I feel like there is this sweet spot the size of a pea where you are just the right amount of attractive that you’re taken more seriously, but not too attractive or then it’s clear the only thing you care about is your appearance and then obviously you’re just an idiot.
I feel like there will always be an excuse to keep women from achieving well-earned success. If we don’t adhere to beauty standards we are punished. But if we adhere too well or, heaven forbid, you can see evidence that it’s not a completely effortless act, we’re also punished. We become “high maintenance,” and “shallow.” But heck even if we nail it, there is a reason the term “basic bitch” exists.
I’ve been really trying to watch my own behavior and words recently. I sometimes feel the only thing I can do is focus on making sure I don’t perpetuate this crap.
1. The facts of life.
I too have asymmetrical facial features and a prominent chin. When I say “I’m not conventionally attractive” it’s not a signal to try to make me feel better, I’m stating a fact based on common beauty standards. I have a mirror and can see what others see – it’s frustrating when people try to tell me I’m beautiful or so pretty.
I know I don’t have the same experiences as others that are attractive, I can probably count on one hand the times I’ve been approached without someone knowing me first and those times the other person was inebriated or being an asshole as a joke.
(I remember one time going to a frat party in college you had to get your hand marked to go into the party and my friend and I went in together (she was also not conventionally attractive); we put our hands next to each other once we got in to realize they has put “UG” on one and “LY” on the other. Talk about a gut punch when we were just out to have fun.)
That being said, I also know how people relate to me once they get to know me – I’m not just what’s on the outside. Thankfully it matters less as I get older and people just naturally dismiss women over a certain age but man if it did not make my 20’s and 30’s frustrating. I think that’s part of it – cultivating relationships sometimes takes more effort because you almost have to prove your worth it.
Which doesn’t sound right because if someone doesn’t want to like me, f’ it but I guess I’m trying to say that less doors seem to be open to even normal interactions.
Y’all, if this doesn’t make you mad…you’re probably really pretty. Ha!
Do you have experiences like these to share? Tell us all about it in the comments!